Attachment Styles and Impacts on Relationships

“It’s not much of a tail, but I’m sort of attached to it.”  ~ Eeyore

Attachment refers to the way in which an individual connects with, relates to, and lives out intimate relationships.  Understanding your style of attachment can be helpful in recognizing the behaviors that play out within those close relationships.  For example, I worked with a 28-year-old client who deeply desired to be in a committed, romantic relationship.  She explained to me that she rarely dated someone beyond the first 2-3 months before the relationship would end.  She began to doubt herself and wondered why people seemed so interested at first and then would pull away and break up with her. 

As my client and I explored her history together, I began to see similar patterns of behavior occur.  When her relationships would pass the “getting to know you” stage and start to show signs of deeper commitment, my client would begin to come up with reasons why this person didn’t seem as warm or invested.  If he didn’t respond to a text or phone call after a certain period of time, she would tend to think that she was annoying him, and she would pull away and become distant and self-protective.  She reported that it would take her days to recover, believing the person really wasn’t interested in her, and if he was going to hurt her like the last one did, then she was going to avoid that at all costs.  This “push-pull” pattern would confuse the person she was dating, and he would eventually do what she feared – break up with her in frustration of the conflicting messages she was giving out.

My client was demonstrating behavior aligned with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, one of the four basic attachment styles.  A fearful-avoidant attachment style is high in both anxiety and avoidance.  People who display this attachment style often desire to be in close relationships, yet they are simultaneously fearful of them.  My client was blown away when she read through this description and saw what she had been doing over the course of the last 6 years.  Once she recognized and named these patterns, she and I could begin to work on tools to help her shift the automatic thoughts and behaviors so that she could cope with her worries and fears in healthier ways.

Attachment styles tend to be determined in early life, defined by the way in which an infant receives care and has her needs met by her main caregiver(s).  Although this plays a big part in whether someone develops secure or insecure attachments, one’s style can also shift later in life based on the health of significant adult relationships.

Consider the following general styles of attachment and see if you notice any of these patterns in your own relationships:

·         A secure attachment style is low in both anxiety and avoidance. Secure attachment tends to lead to stable, fulfilling relationships. People with secure attachment styles generally have an optimistic view of their relationships and can be upfront about their wants and needs. They expect the same from their partner. People with this attachment style are usually less afraid of being without an intimate partner, as they have a strong personal identity.

·         An anxious-preoccupied attachment style is high in anxiety and low in avoidance. Anxious-preoccupied attachments can create relationships that thrive on drama or are generally lower in trust. Partners with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style may feel a greater need for reassurance and affirmation. This sometimes leads people with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style to invent or magnify conflicts or difficulties in their relationships.

·         A dismissive-avoidant attachment style is low in anxiety and high in avoidance. People with this attachment style may appear to be cold and distant, sometimes stemming from a fear of commitment. Partners with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style can show their independence through preoccupation with hobbies or work. They might maintain a busy social life with acquaintances that do not involve their romantic partners.

·         A fearful-avoidant attachment style is high in both anxiety and avoidance. People with this attachment style may desperately desire the benefits of a close relationship but may also be afraid of the vulnerability and commitment required. Within an intimate partnership, people with a fearful-avoidant attachment style may simultaneously obsess over, and push away, their partner.

If you believe that you are having trouble in relationships due to your attachment style, there is no need for despair. There are some basic steps that you can take to move forward:

1)      Look into your past and consider the events that occurred that helped to shape you into the person you are today. With this information, you will be able to understand which attachment style you adhere to the most.

2)       Learn more about your attachment style. Compare your actions to the information I have touched on in this article.

3)      Focus on concrete behaviors. It can be overwhelming to consider changing something as deeply rooted as an attachment style. Your knowledge of attachment styles is only a tool to help you define and understand. If you focus on one behavior at a time, you'll likely feel more capable of conquering the task at hand.

Please know that the counselors at New Hope are available to help you understand and succeed in your important relationships and would be honored to assist you in that journey

By Elaine Potts, MSW, LCSW

New Hope Counseling Supervisor