Family Gymnastics: Navigating Those Difficult Conversations at Family Gatherings

My client shook his head and sighed. “Everything I say upsets my daughter. I’m just making normal conversation and she tells me that something I said is offensive to her. And this is the girl who once thought I walked on water!”  As a counselor who works with couples and families, it isn’t surprising to me than an increasing number of individuals are sharing their worries about family gatherings and the potential awkward conversations that may occur.

Over the last few years there have been some controversial issues - COVID, relationships, dietary restrictions, finances, politics, mental health, gender, religion  whether snickerdoodles outrank chocolate chip as the favorite holiday cookie -  that have taken on a more glaring focus of importance. It also seems that the American culture at large has become feistier in its stance when others do not agree with or experience those issues in the same way.

I have termed these challenging conversations “Family Gymnastics”!  There are often a mix of experiences at family holiday gatherings that bring excitement, joy, frustration, stress, and sometimes downright fear. We are all learning that we cannot control others’ words or actions and that we can only make our own choices to determine how we engage and respond.

 Let’s look at some ideas that can help you keep your cool at the gymnastic meet and do your best to finish well.

1)      THE WARM UP: PLAN AHEAD

-          Know your subjects well. Who is expected to be at this gathering? If Uncle Rick often makes thoughtless comments about those who wish to wear masks or who choose not to eat starchy foods, do NOT expect Uncle Rick to act any differently. Go in prepared to hear these statements and plan to ignore or deflect (ideas on this later) rather than retorting angrily to these expected expressions, however annoying.

-          Share your boundaries ahead of time. If possible, have a zoom meeting with other adults prior to the gathering to discuss each family’s thoughts on mask wearing, hugs, food prep, etc. This tactic takes away the element of “in the moment” confusion and hurt.

-          Be strategic about topics that unite. If you feel that the topics are moving into dangerous waters, go prepared to share some family history, fun memories and things that produce a shared bond among family members. These have been very successful among clients I’ve worked with and have doused some intense hot button issues before they got out of hand. 

-          Have a graceful exit strategy planned. There are times when people feel stretched beyond their limit or can see that the tension is unable to be defused any other way. It is good to have a back up plan for leaving the gathering that doesn’t have to be hurtful to the host or other family. Gracious goodbyes are possible, even when upset, and are important for keeping the door open for future contact.  

2)      THE BALANCE BEAM: KEEPING THE FOCUS

-          Listen and paraphrase. It is amazing how this disarming technique can help you navigate without ever needing to agree or disagree. You simply state back what you hear the person saying. This can be a helpful deterrent from arguments while remaining attentive and neutral. Examples of this would be “I can tell that you have a lot of passion about that belief!” Or, “I hear you saying you feel strongly that people should be able to chose for themselves.”

-          Be mindful of intent. If your focus is to convince everyone that you are right in how you think or believe, the intent is to argue. Most of us approach difficult conversations like a debate rather than an opportunity to gain and share knowledge. Take a mindful pause before responding to, or initiating, a topic to check in and determine your intent.

-          Validate then pivot! Earlier I mentioned about using the skill of deflection in conversation. Typically, I do not recommend doing this in healthy and positive communication with another. It is only when someone is being intentionally aggressive, argumentative, or hurtful that it can be a good thing to use this skill. For example, I helped my client (mentioned above) to do this when his daughter brought up some sticky topics at Thanksgiving. The opportunity came when someone talked about gratitude. His daughter began to launch into how no one at that table had any idea what it was like to be in want or need or marginalized in any way and how shallow the gratitude sounded to her ears. My client was able to say compassionately that his daughter was right and what a profound thought. He the pivoted the conversation by asking the group if anyone had watched the PBS special on the other night.

-          Backing up and doing the dismount. If the situation gets to an intense level and you are seeking to bring an end to the conversation, some things you might say could include:

·         “I feel we should leave it there since we don’t all agree and move on to more unifying topics. It is not often we all get to be together like this.”

·         “Now isn’t the time, but I would be open to learning more about your thoughts. Maybe you could email me a link or article that I could read over later.”

·         “We could probably debate this all day and night. I’m thinking it might be more fun to watch the football game (or go for a walk).”

3.  THE VAULT: GETTING THAT SOLID LANDING

- Find Common Ground. We are all human, and often there are areas in each topic we can find to relate to. For instance, take the recent pandemic and the varying opinions of wearing masks and getting vaccinated. One thing that may help is to suggest: “The pandemic has been hard for people in a lot of different ways, and I know that I have been struggling to adjust to all the changes.” This can acknowledge the universal fatigue of challenging times.

- Use humor. This may take some skill, and I would suggest the humorous statement doesn’t veer into sarcasm, but sometimes lightening the mood with a funny quip about yourself or something universal can return the focus to the holiday and why all are gathered.

- Channel that energy and competitive spirit into something fun. If you can, suggest some family games to play and maybe come prepared with some favorites of your own. You could do indoor or outdoor games to step away from the heat of the moment and provide a change in scenery.

- Recognize that you only have control over yourself. As much as we wish we could control others around us, we cannot. We may feel all sorts of feelings about what is being said or done, but more important to us should be how we respond and what we choose to do. I often tell my clients “Feeling bad about something is not the same as being responsible for it.”  Knowing that we did the best we could with what was before us goes a long way in helping us remain confident, emotionally healthy and at peace.

Our hope is that your family and friend holiday gatherings are wrapped up in gratitude, good cheer, and moments of connecting rather than clashing. If you sense some clashing happening, may some of the tips shared help you to get through the event with less distress. The staff at New Hope Counseling is here for you if we can help navigate the holiday season and winter with more ease.