Setting Healthy Boundaries
“If only she wouldn’t take my boundaries so personally. I have them so I CAN spend time with everyone over the holidays and manage my own kids’ schedules too.” My client was close to tears as we sat and discussed how she is planning to navigate the upcoming holidays with extended family. In my client’s case, her mother was insistent on offering a gathering as they had always done in the past, before there were young grandchildren. This client was attempting to make it work for everyone involved, including maintaining her children’s eating and sleeping needs so they could be present to enjoy the time with family.
Many of our clients at New Hope Counseling Center begin to share their apprehension about the winter holidays long before they arrive. Some are very excited about them while also worried about managing their personal issues during a time of increased social events. For others, they have put so much energy into learning to become emotionally healthy only to find that the holidays can activate anxiety from negative past experiences. Countless “people pleasing” personalities who have finally discovered self-care, suddenly become overwhelmed with the need to fit everything in. Established boundaries fall to the wayside as holidays hover closer and scream for attention.
The APA Dictionary of Psychology defines a boundary as something that protects the integrity of an individual or group or helps that person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity. If you have spent any time in a group, you most likely recognize that each person in that group has specific wants, needs and preferences that are true to that individual. What may work for one may not work for another. Understanding these preferences is the basis for a personal boundary.
For example, I am an introvert by nature. After a day of counseling, I often do not want to talk on the phone. I have learned that if I allow silence for a bit following a long day, I am able to be more present for my family. I have a good friend who is a therapist at another agency. She, on the other hand, loves to talk on the phone and would do so every day if I didn’t limit those contacts. For her, she thrives on that interaction as an extrovert, and enjoys processing her day with others. I have found, for me, that I only become more tired when I do that. It has taken some time for my friend to not take my boundary of “no nighttime phone calls”, personally. We have been able to maintain our friendship despite this difference in our energy levels.
If you take time to consider your own preferences, you may have particular boundaries that you know you need to enforce with others. These boundaries can be emotional, physical, moral, or spiritual and can involve space, time and energy. Setting healthy boundaries is always paramount to our well-being. Without them, it’s alarmingly easy to get lost in others’ needs, to lose sight of where their feelings end and yours begin.
The following tips may help you discover what your boundaries are and ways you can communicate these to others and live them out:
1. Be Mindful of your limits. Pay attention to those nagging feelings of discomfort when interacting with others. Are you able to tell when you are “done” and need to step away? Your gut can be a good indicator of what is comfortable for you and what is not. Too often, people will ignore these prompts to please others or because they are worried about what others will think or say. What if you honored those limits you have on a consistent basis? You might find it helps people know who you are as you live out your best self.
2. Know your values and set boundaries in line with them. Our values give us purpose and motivate our actions and attitudes. When our boundaries match up with our value system it gives us direction and peace of mind.
3. Don’t explain why you are enforcing your boundaries. If you feel you must justify your boundaries, it can make you feel like you are doing something wrong. It may be tempting to over-explain why you are doing what you are doing. I tell my clients to take ownership, be clear, brief and specific.
4. Be confident. Even if you don’t feel it, act confidently when communicating your boundaries. There are often fewer questions asked and less negative responses when you demonstrate a calm and matter-of-fact approach, taking ownership of your needs without apology.
5. Remind yourself of WHY you have these boundaries. You are less likely to go back on your boundaries when you keep the reasons for, and the importance of, these margins at the forefront of your mind. And keeping consistent with boundaries is one of the ways they are most respected.
6. The initial push-back will decrease. Just like a young toddler who will throw a tantrum at first, if you remain consistent, loving and calm, others eventually stop fussing and learn to work within those boundaries. Once others see that you are still there, you still care and you are staying true to your values, they often come around and the initial resistance wears off.
Setting boundaries requires effort at first, but when given the time and effort, provide longer lasting benefits including the often-evasive internal peace and well-being. It can be easy to shy away from the investment when it feels overwhelming, so I often encourage others to remember that healthy boundaries set now can bring a lifetime of satisfaction. Living true to who you are is always worth the effort. Many find that in starting here, it becomes easier to live out your true self in all areas of your life. May you and your boundaries experience a lovely Christmas season!