Feeling Insignificant?
Have you ever been in conversation with someone and the message you received was “you are not enough?” Or maybe you hear this in your own mind, a self-narrative that shouts “I messed up,” or “I have nothing to offer,” or possibly “I don’t matter.” The results of these messages, especially coming from our interpersonal relationships, can truly affect how we feel and act.
I recall sitting with one of my clients as she softly asked me, with her head down and avoiding eye contact “Why would God make someone as faulty as me?” And there was the friend who came out of a committee meeting expressing that the message she received was that she didn’t perform well and was a disappointment at a recent event. She felt the words spoken about her in the presence of others were not only humbling but also demeaning. Could that have been handled in a different way? Unfortunately, the damage was already done, and this friend no longer wants to put herself out there in service to others.
Feeling significant in life is one of our basic human desires. Being seen and heard by others is a critical factor for mental, emotional, and physical well-being. When we don’t receive that affirmation from others or from ourselves, we begin to question our value and worth, two of the core things that influence our overall mood, motivation, and purpose.
I’m not referring to the constructive criticism we should all be open to receiving to grow as individuals, but rather to the penetrating words and beliefs that we are without basic value, worth and goodness. I have experienced those dark thoughts on occasion, as well as having witnessed this by so many who come through our doors at New Hope Counseling Center.
As Robert S. McGee notes in his classic book The Search for Significance (1985) “Isn’t it amazing that we turn to others who have a perspective as limited and darkened as our own to discover our worth! Rather than relying on God’s steady, uplifting reassurance of who we are, we depend on others who base our worth on our ability to meet their standards.” Isn’t that so true? Even when we agree with the scriptures on who God says we are, we still strive so hard to be accepted and approved by other imperfect and fallible human beings.
So how do we counter these false yet powerful beliefs of our own worth and significance? First, I want to point out that what is offered in this writing isn’t going to work without patience and time. The following simple tools for countering negative self-worth require practice and consistency to take root and produce a crop of a more truthful measurement of our intrinsic value as “God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved!” (Colossians 3:12a).
Pause and take a breath. When someone openly criticizes, challenges, or speaks unkindly to us, or when our OWN thoughts bombard us with our faults, we should first take a moment to collect ourselves. Breathing deeply and slowly reminds us that we have time to think and that we are in control of our own words and body. It slows the heart rate, quiets the shaking, and can help us regain our capacity to think before reacting.
Respond to your emotional upset with compassion. We can do this by normalizing the feelings that arise without criticism. We can tell ourselves that feeling embarrassed, hurt, vulnerable, angry, etc. is typical in these situations. Holding space for these feelings, like a mother hen who pulls her chicks under her wings, can provide a sense of safety and comfort. We often do this easily for others, however extending it to ourselves is necessary for the process of gaining healthy self-worth.
Spend time alone with your creator! An important piece in this process of right thinking is spending quiet time with God and reading His word. Using God’s word as our guide can truly be a “lamp unto our feet and a light for our path” (Ps. 119:105). We are instructed to “not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2). I encourage us all to listen to the words of Him who made us rather than to the minds of others who do not always have our best interest at heart.
Reach out to a support person or group of people who know you well. Those who share our values, beliefs and have become our community of support can typically be honest with us, helping us sort through the confusing messages we are receiving and bring us back to the truth.
Utilize helpful statements and self-talk. This is where it takes time to notice and challenge unhealthy words or statements we have received and allowed to take root. Often these are so automatic that we don’t even realize we have adopted them into our belief system. Examples of these would include words that are dismissive, harsh, exaggerating (“always, never, constantly”), unkind or hopeless. The secret to doing this is to acknowledge them as feelings and then follow up with truth. For example:
“I may feel stupid right now, however I recognize that I acted out of a place of fear. I know that I don’t always do that in all situations. Sometimes I make a lot of sense.”
“I may not like how that meeting went and I feel a bit defeated, but I also know that I have a gracious boss and I can follow up with him tomorrow to talk about this.”
“I feel angry and upset that she treated me like I don’t know what I am doing. It’s possible that she has no idea of how she came across but even if she did, I know that I can think for myself, and I don’t have to base everything on her perception.”
We all have a choice in how we evaluate ourselves and others. We can use the formula of self-worth = performance + others’ opinions, or we can adopt God’s way of seeing things, which is that our self-worth = God’s truth about who we are. To accomplish this change in mindset takes practice and application of the above steps, which in summary are:
grounding ourselves; noticing how we feel
utilizing compassion for those feelings rather than criticism
spending time in God’s word
nurturing healthy and affirming relationships
others’ to speak to ourselves through the spirit of truth rather than our own, or others’, faulty perceptions.
In a perfect world, we would all feel approved, validated, accepted, and equipped to do all things well. Instead, we can expect to have uncertain circumstances, pain, hurt and rejection at times.
If you find yourself dealing with these situations and struggling to believe your value and purpose, please know that the counselors at New Hope would love to offer you tools of truth. Tools that can help you believe the fact that “you are enough.” Call or email us to set up an appointment today!