Holding the Umbrella
“Community is first of all a quality of the heart. It grows from the spiritual knowledge that we are alive not for ourselves, but for one another.” ~ Henry Nouwen
The staff at New Hope have been profoundly saddened by the many lives lost, the trauma inflicted, and the overwhelming impact on a small community in Texas dealing with the aftershock of a mass school shooting. It hardly seems that we have time to wrap our brains around the incredible ripple effect of this before our ears and eyes are met with yet another horrific tragedy in a community much like ours. Can this really be the world we are living in?
The reality is that we DO live in a world where these things occur. No one is completely immune from the pain of loss and trauma. We know this in theory. Our logical brains tell us that tragic events happen all the time. However, living out this fact in an up front and personal way is not something the common individual is often prepared to handle.
As we watch the news and see pictures of young, smiling faces so full of life, we begin to put ourselves in the shoes of those parents, grandparents and emergency responders. We feel we can connect, and somewhat relate, to the intense feelings that are all over the map. We may even cry and question God about the purpose of these senseless acts. And deep inside most of us is that feeling of helplessness. We care, we grieve, we want to DO something.
As a counselor who has worked for many years with grieving individuals, I had to learn early on about how to journey with someone in pain. In the early years, l felt helpless and ineffective, since what I was entering into with someone seemed so much larger than I. I couldn’t bring that person’s loved one back to life. I couldn’t change any regrets this person might carry or replace any of the events that didn’t play out as the person would have wanted them to. I had to acknowledge this and sit beside the person in great pain without feeling like I had to take it all on myself.
I found out that this was what helped the most. Being willing to “hold an umbrella” for someone in the rain rather than trying to “stop the rain,” was a realistic thing I could do. Grasping a hand in the raging storm and enduring the impact of it with that person is what I learned mattered more than making the storm go away, something I obviously couldn’t do.
Those going through tragedy know there is nothing one can say or do to change the result of it. Being willing to sit with someone in a place of pain can be the gift we give as a community. Showing up, standing still when those around us are too weak to do so, is not only encouraging, but helpful. Being willing to be cried on, to hear the stories shared, to stay in the uncomfortable - this is being community.
We are directed in Romans 12:15 to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” I love this directive as it isn’t “not doing anything.” It is embracing our human connection and taking time to BE with another who is experiencing the good and the not so good. It is not looking out for just ourselves and only being impacted by what happens to us directly; it is joining in the collective outcry of what we can all feel and share in together.
The things we can do may not feel important in the moment, but eventually these choices can make an impact. Our prayers can change our hearts. Our ability to empathize with another can help us show more mercy than judgement. Our shared tears and shared laughter can connect strangers and open our eyes to recognizing how we are more alike than different. Our joining together to express our hurts and happiness can decrease our isolation and fear.
As we continue to be hit with future challenging events, may we see past the feelings of anger and helplessness to a shared pain and strengthening bond that comes from being human and walking this journey called “life” together. We may feel ineffective, but each thought, prayer, and step to connect and empathize is continuing to build a strong presence with others who are suffering. What most wish to know is that they are not alone in this world, that others can sit in the mess made around them and not run the other way, that someone can “hold the umbrella” for them until the present rainstorm has passed. May we all become experts as umbrella holders for those in need.
With Compassion on behalf of The Staff at New Hope Counseling Center,
Elaine Potts, LCSW, Counseling Supervisor